Anger at Self


Anger is an emotion that I have felt at different points in my lifetime.
As a young girl I cried when angry. I was the oldest of 5 children in my household and my parents held high expectations for me.
I was expected to act a certain way, because I was the oldest and was setting an example for my younger sisters and brothers.
It was then I began to feel the stirring up of anger.

Why couldn’t I act silly for the moment like they did?
It seems like I was living under a microscope.
I was a tomboy and all I heard was “little girls don’t climb trees or fences, girls don’t’ wrestle boys, girls don’t whistle”.
Back then I dreamed of flying planes…..girls don’t fight wars…..”be a nurse”.

I felt anger when death intruded into my life. My young aunt was killed by her boyfriend. My anger conjured up pictures of doing mean things to him for taking my aunt away from me.

I felt angry when I found out that my best friend was kissing on my boyfriend.
Angry at my mom for not letting me hang out in the streets at night so this would not have happened if my curfew was not so early.

Angry because too many of my years were lost to the use of drugs and alcohol. Sure I maintained a job, a marriage of 25 years, raised 2 beautiful children that I am proud of, but my early life was laced with use.
Angry because using these substances stole away my personal ambition.

I try to keep out of my head thinking about the “would of…should of….could of” and not be angry at myself.

Most of the time it works but it’s that small percentage that will never let me forget.